The death drive, or "destrudo", is the antonym for "libido" (it is also called the "Thanatos instinct") – a Freudian concept of the wish to cease existence, if only temporarily, carried out through self-destructive behaviour – drink, sex, self-harm, etc. It is a drive for life to stop instead of continue – a drive towards a lack of being, to escape reality, if only by sticking your head in the sand for a brief moment. Freud commonly described it as a desire to return to the womb, in order to remove oneself from the daily stresses of human life. It's a relatable feeling for me, in some way – sometimes in places of vulnerability or despondency, I prefer to vanish into safety and keep to myself, unseen and unheard. This downtime certainly helps to resolve undue stress or to replenish my depleted social batteries.
I'll be the first to admit that I speak from a position of privilege and have yet to really deeply question my own identity or sense of place in the world where gender or sexuality or are concerned – but all the same I see the daily struggle that many people go through in coming to terms with their own identity, and how in this current political landscape there is a constant pull between what they wish to be, and what the rest of the contemporary society wishes for them to be.
Sometimes, just existing can be exhausting. One way or another, we're all expected to be able to put on a show, often to conform to someone else's ill-defined (if at all) concept of what WE are. For those who are in minorities, just their sheer virtue of existence is anathema to some.
I can only imagine the grief it must cause people who have lost their sense of self in this way.
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lyrics
Don't we all want that safety
That we knew before?
Don't we remember vaguely
That place in which we all were forged?
Here we are
Wearing our various tones
Not one feels like home
Why is it that skin
Sometimes feels so thin?
Night and day
Can enter with different shades
But which one's feeling right today?
And as we wax and wane
How do we keep ourselves sane
Between the agony
And the ecstasy?
Don't we all want that safety
That we knew before?
Don't we remember vaguely
That place in which we all were forged?
(Oh, mama)
Mama, I can't bear the outside anymore
And we're tired
Of all this exhibitioning
Nothing left to hold within
And our skeletons
Would rather be imprisoned
(Wish just not to be)
Don't we all want that safety
That we knew before?
Don't we remember vaguely
Before our spirits all were formed?
(Oh, mama)
Mama, I can't bear the outside anymore
You're the one I'll gladly keep
In oblivion with me
Wish I could be unmade
Dismantled and reshaped
Wish I could be unmade
Dismantled and reshaped
Slow the timeline to a crawl
Return and be restored
With the core
Of my being, into yours
credits
from Abyss of Time,
released November 3, 2023
Additional personnel:
Kevin Martins – backing vocals, additional guitar
this is rock & roll. this is metal. this is an album by esselfortium, an extremely exciting artist in exciting times for indie music.
if this is what she's doing now, what the hell is she gonna do next? wallets out, everyone, and join me (& this album) in looking forward.
listen front to back: it's a movie in your head. jamesedwardand
Sarah Mancuso led the Back To Saturn X Doom mod project, which is staggeringly good, and did a lot of the music for it. This album is a mellow, melancholic nostalgia trip, and I love it Danny Abbasi
Six bangers from Johannesburg, South Africa that deliver bright & melodic deep house with a subtle, pulsing rhythm. Bandcamp New & Notable Mar 12, 2023
Absolutely sublime, an essential to any MIDI enthusiast. Vanilla compatible as well.
Of course if you don't know, you should play BTSX using a source port of your choice: You can use ZDL to load up source ports and cleanly select multiple pk3s and WADs to run.
The interface of ZDL is a bit clunky but, to play BTSX all you would really need to do is drag and drop the WAD to a sourceport exe to launch it.
I recommend GZDoom for utility, Woof for authenticity, and DSDA if you're speedy boi. BrickDickRick