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Death Drive

from Abyss of Time by James Paddock

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about

The death drive, or "destrudo", is the antonym for "libido" (it is also called the "Thanatos instinct") – a Freudian concept of the wish to cease existence, if only temporarily, carried out through self-destructive behaviour – drink, sex, self-harm, etc. It is a drive for life to stop instead of continue – a drive towards a lack of being, to escape reality, if only by sticking your head in the sand for a brief moment. Freud commonly described it as a desire to return to the womb, in order to remove oneself from the daily stresses of human life. It's a relatable feeling for me, in some way – sometimes in places of vulnerability or despondency, I prefer to vanish into safety and keep to myself, unseen and unheard. This downtime certainly helps to resolve undue stress or to replenish my depleted social batteries.

I'll be the first to admit that I speak from a position of privilege and have yet to really deeply question my own identity or sense of place in the world where gender or sexuality or are concerned – but all the same I see the daily struggle that many people go through in coming to terms with their own identity, and how in this current political landscape there is a constant pull between what they wish to be, and what the rest of the contemporary society wishes for them to be.

Sometimes, just existing can be exhausting. One way or another, we're all expected to be able to put on a show, often to conform to someone else's ill-defined (if at all) concept of what WE are. For those who are in minorities, just their sheer virtue of existence is anathema to some.

I can only imagine the grief it must cause people who have lost their sense of self in this way.

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lyrics

Don't we all want that safety
That we knew before?
Don't we remember vaguely
That place in which we all were forged?

Here we are
Wearing our various tones
Not one feels like home
Why is it that skin
Sometimes feels so thin?

Night and day
Can enter with different shades
But which one's feeling right today?
And as we wax and wane
How do we keep ourselves sane
Between the agony
And the ecstasy?

Don't we all want that safety
That we knew before?
Don't we remember vaguely
That place in which we all were forged?
(Oh, mama)
Mama, I can't bear the outside anymore

And we're tired
Of all this exhibitioning
Nothing left to hold within
And our skeletons
Would rather be imprisoned
(Wish just not to be)

Don't we all want that safety
That we knew before?
Don't we remember vaguely
Before our spirits all were formed?
(Oh, mama)
Mama, I can't bear the outside anymore

You're the one I'll gladly keep
In oblivion with me

Wish I could be unmade
Dismantled and reshaped
Wish I could be unmade
Dismantled and reshaped
Slow the timeline to a crawl
Return and be restored
With the core
Of my being, into yours

credits

from Abyss of Time, released November 3, 2023
Additional personnel:
Kevin Martins – backing vocals, additional guitar

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James Paddock England, UK

Composer, singer, artist, and video game developer.

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